Life Lessons: Shannon

Shannon was afraid to poo.

But Shannon loved to eat.

Shannon ate...and ate...and ate

till she could not see her feet.

Though pooping filled her up...with dread,

we all must poop - or we are dead.

DREAM Series: Refrigerated Potato Chips

...'cause refrigerated potato chips are totes better than room temp, obvi...

Happy Belated Birthday, Edward Gorey!

A is for acid thrown right in the face.
B is for blindness when peppered with mace.
C is for capital murder - BEWARE...and
D is for death penalty by the chair.
E is for Edward (born on this day).
G is for Gorey...the "F" went away.

Horrible Valentine's Day!!!

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There you can connect with other fans, and see our other day to day musings. :-)

And as Valentine's day is coming, we have a few cards for all those people who are not exactly thrilled at the idea of a martini alone in their parents basement.

Here is a tasting:

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Thanks for stopping in. :-)

TYPED OUT #13: GOLDEN BOY

GOLDEN BOY - was exactly what his name implied...the golden boy of the theatre, film, and tv world. He came from a poor but loving family. He was humble and kind...and everyone was totally into him. When asked why everyone was so "up in his candy," a fellow student replied, "Because he's, like, nice...but not like...'Hey, look how nice I am!'...you know?"

He was cast as the male lead of every play and musical he was ever in, and was even a child guest star on Law & Order as a molested 13-year-old AND as a molested 11-year-old...two years later. It seemed he was only getting younger and stronger. #BLESSED

After a successful winter break jaunt to Hollywood during senior year, he managed to ink a deal to star in the hot new show of the upcoming season, Ow! I've Been Hit in the Crotch! (working title).

Back at school, he found out that he won the title role in Jesus Christ Superstar. He was brilliant in rehearsal and didn't do that weird falsetto thing - it was all chest belt and heart.

Sadly, a negligent stagehand failed to secure the cross in the crucifixion scene...and as the duct tape came loose, Golden Boy was crushed in front of the patrons of the Sunday matinee. 

R.I.P. 

Golden Boy

Everyone had a crush on you.

1984 - 2006

TYPED OUT #12: PLASTIK VAGUETTE

PLASTIK VAGUETTE - bonded with Token Asian during freshman year because they were the only two ethnics in the program. After not being cast in any coveted roles, Plastik Vaguette decided that something drastic needed to be done in order to become successful.

Plastik Vaguette didn't come into his own until after his sugar daddy bought him a hair transplant...plus blue contacts, a new chin, cheekbones, pecs, calf implants, MAJOR skin lightening treatments, brow lift, neck lift, gum raising, a full set of new teeth, and a Brazilian butt lift during their courtship. 

He is now besties with Princess Coquette and models for regional car shows. 

TYPED OUT #11: SILENT BUT DEADLY

SILENT BUT DEADLY - could be described as the queen of self-diagnosis. Her best friends in college were WebMD and her trusty chalkboard (which she used to express her feelings while on vocal rest). 

Silent But Deadly left her conservatory program after they discovered she had single-handedly spread H1N1 to the entire campus. She is now living in a bubble in a laboratory run by the state's Dept. of Health.

TYPED OUT #10: TEACHER'S PET ROCK

TEACHER'S PET ROCK - When she wasn't annoying her non-theatre college roommate with her daily 5AM vocal warm-ups and 9PM "lights out" rule, Teacher's Pet Rock could be found outside her favorite teacher's office armed with a color-coded show binder and a triple grande 2-pump hazelnut soy latte.

Though she may have graduated as her professor's darling little errand girl, Teacher's Pet Rock found that no one was willing to take her under wing in order to better navigate the NY theatre scene.

After a depressing two years of unfulfilling temp work, Teacher's Pet Rock finally found her happy place in NY's Young Republican Club, the Oldest Young Republican Club in the country. She is now in charge of organizing the club's monthly social and is dating a Junior Associate at a Manhattan law firm.

TYPED OUT #9: CHUBBY LITTLE BELTER

CHUBBY LITTLE BELTER - spent his formative years with his grandmother, eating Twinkies and watching her shows. He always wanted to be "just like Hope Brady on Days of our Lives" and auditioned for his local college's theatre arts program. But he soon realized that his body type wasn't quite the svelte loveliness of Kristian Alfonso. Ever pragmatic, Chubby Little Belter took a look at his grandmother's other favorite show (reruns of Designing Women) and found his new idol: Delta Burke. 

Chubby Little Belter originally entered college as a Merman-esque powerhouse, but quickly switched to Actor Training after his classmates kept taunting him with "You'll be swell. You'll be great. As you reach for a third dinner plate!" 

After taking multiple "Acting for the Camera" classes, Chubby Little Belter decided that the whole "camera adds 10 pounds" thing was awfully unfair. He moved to Louisville, KY and started the local branch of the "Delta Burke Fan Club." He has five cats named Dixie, Delta, Annie, Jean, and Meshach.

TYPED OUT #8: UNCASTABLE UNDERDOG

UNCASTABLE UNDERDOG - barely survived his undergrad career by taking the leftover bit parts in every mainstage production. However, after some new headshots, a very patient vocal coach, and not eating for a year, Uncastable Underdog is now playing Fiyero in Wicked. His new book, "I Didn't Eat For a Year" will not sell like hot cakes...because no one is eating carbs anymore.

TYPED OUT #7: SASSY GOAT VIBRATO

SASSY GOAT VIBRATO - was inspired to go forth into the musical theatre world after watching all 5 performances of a community theater production of Showboat. Despite warnings from her vocal and acting coaches that she would "never make it in the business," Sassy Goat Vibrato used her father's connections to get into her 3rd choice conservatory program. After graduation, Sassy Goat Vibrato found a job working at Toddler Tunes and married a wealthy lesbian senator.

TYPED OUT #6: PRINCESS COQUETTE

PRINCESS COQUETTE - Voted "Most Likely To Be On The Broadwah" senior year of high school AND college, Princess Coquette became a true triple threat after mastering singing, dancing, and the drug/alcohol blackout. Princess Coquette moved to Beverly Hills to pursue a film/tv career, but she quickly dropped out of auditioning after getting fat (ie. pregnant). She has since divorced her husband citing "irreconcilable differences" after he told her that he wouldn't buy her a tummy tuck for Christmas.

TYPED OUT #5: DRINKS DURING REHEARSAL

DRINKS DURING REHEARSAL - could always be found slumped down in the back row of the theater with his trusty water bottle full of vodka cran and his aviators on. One could never tell if Drinks During Rehearsal was sleeping, hungover, dead, or just taking a really, really long acting beat.

Though he slept through most of his junior and senior years, Drinks During Rehearsal graduated with honors and moved to New York, where he can be seen in his one-man cabaret act, "#BLESSED."

TYPED OUT #4: HOOKED ON FONIX

HOOKED ON FONIX - Accepted with a scholarship on the spot at his undergrad audition simply for being a straight white male who could hold a tune, Hooked On Fonix hooked up with every girl in the department (even the lesbians...and possibly a boy, but he doesn't really remember) by the end of freshman year. 

Hooked On Fonix graduated at the top of his class (in remedial math) and promptly distanced himself from the theatre world. He is rumored to be working as a shift manager at a fast food restaurant in his hometown of Nowheresville, Ohio. 

He is still single, as he is dealing with a new STD that is made up of all his previous ones combined. Doctors refer to him as "Patient Zero." His mother just refers to him as "Zero." But Hooked On Fonix doesn't care 'cause this sort-of hot Spanish-looking girl just ordered a sammich and he wants her to be his "Number 1 Gurl."

TYPED OUT #3: SMOKES BEFORE CLASS

SMOKES BEFORE CLASS - was so over it before being over it became hipster cool. Smokes Before Class didn't actually attend many classes...and almost didn't graduate. But she was the teaching staff's dealer, and they pulled some strings. After moving to California to raise her bastard child, Smokes Before Class took a job at Mission Colonic: The Happiest Place On Earth.

TYPED OUT #2: TOKEN ASIAN

TOKEN ASIAN - Upon graduating and moving to New York, Token Asian was confused to find that casting directors in the real world wouldn't hire her for middle-aged black female roles, since that was her only "type" in college. But Token Asian followed her dreams and now works on Broadway...as a receptionist at a financial company near the corner of 48th Street. 

She waits patiently, collecting cat figurines until the day she reaches her mid-40's...when she was told she would finally be "castable." She blames her theatrical career's stagnancy on "not enough Flower Drum Songs" and the cancellation of M*A*S*H, making Asians less visible in entertainment. 

TYPED OUT # 1: GAYER THAN SUNSHINE

GAYER THAN SUNSHINE - immediately gained cred with his undergrad classmates for his annoyingly in-depth knowledge of obscure musicals and for coining the term "WWAD?" (What Would Audra Do?). Gayer Than Sunshine still auditions regularly. He can usually be found next to the audition room door listening in on belted notes, repeating them in a mix-y quiet falsetto, and then commenting loudly to himself, "Psh, that's not that high."

Gayer Than Sunshine now works shifts at lululemon athletica for the free yoga classes taught by this one really hot guy, and has an Etsy site for his brand of homemade bedazzled headbands called "Good Head." If you want your head to look really good, give him a call - he is sitting behind you thinking to himself that you are a slow reader 'cuz he was done, like, 40 minutes ago. Psh.

TYPED OUT intro

The TYPED OUT series is a study of those crazy characters we love to hate, hate to love, and who make us wonder, "Whatever happened to that guy? With the shirt? You know...Brad or...something...?"

The PTTP Music Theatre Undergrad.

*PTTP: Professional Theatre Training Program

Queen of the Rats

Melinda had a dirty little secret.

Melinda liked cheese...but only from the dumpster.

Her favorite moments were those of victory, digging through soggy bits of refuse to uncover a bit of Limburger or a morsel of Danish Blue (Melinda only liked dumpster diving in the posh-iest of the posh neighborhoods). Melinda's mother told her that she was going to turn into a rat if she didn't stop her disgusting habits. But Melinda didn't mind. Rats were better company than most of the people she knew.

One day, Melinda slipped on a banana peel while she reached for a discarded rind of Parmigiano-Reggiano and hit her head *BONK* on the side of her favorite dumpster.

When she woke up, she was in a sewer surrounded by rats of all shapes and sizes. The biggest rat came forward and squeaked out that his name was Boris and that he was King of the Rats. He was wearing a little cape and had a crown and a scepter made of bottle caps.

Melinda took that as proof positive that he was telling the truth.

Boris went on to ask if Melinda would become Queen of the Rats and live with them in the sewers forevermore. Melinda, of course, accepted. And she lived happily ever after...until Hurricane Sandy wiped out the majority of her subjects in a torrent of bacteria-laden death water...

It's said that if you walk by Melinda's favorite dumpster at dusk and toss a bit of artisan cheese into the sewer drain, you will hear Melinda's faint whispered promises to rebuild her kingdom and seek vengeance for the lives of her fallen friends.

Molly's BIG Romance

Molly’s BIG Romance

Molly had a big pointy chin.

It was so big that she could hang 3 doughnuts on it at a time. It’s a neat trick when you are little.

But Molly got older and people almost always refused to look at her.

Then one day a boy finally took notice of her. His name was Denny.

He took her out to dinner.

He took her to the state fair - Molly carried the doughnuts.

While they were on the Ferris-wheel, the loveliness and romance was too much to sit silently next to one another...

They leaned in to kiss each other.

Molly’s pointy chin stabbed him in the throat and Denny bled to death.

See - people who don't fit together are people that can't be happy.

BUT the true moral of the story is; Denny is a stupid name for a boy.